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The simple rules of a complex World.
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Article 31 : .Matters of the heart were never my strength.
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Should I go for it?
What if I don't and miss this chance? If my brain is the only thing that controls my actions, i would have gone for it, no doubt at all. It knows what it means by not knowing if you don't try. But on the other hand, my heart tells me not to make the same mistake ever again. It also knows that the higher I go, the harder i will fall. This is so confusing, frustrating and unpredictable. Everything was fine in school; it had been a great day. Lessons were very smooth-sailing and it’s the last day of the week after all. I thought starting chemistry practical earlier would mean earlier dismissal, but still dragged all the way to 1710. My chemistry tutor may be strict when it comes to work, but he is a very nice person too. And I made the mark in one attempt, something to be proud of in class, as most of the people would take quite a number of corrections before doing so. In fact, all our tutors have been very nice this week, other than Mr Pun. At the end of the day, I felt very energetic, despite sleeping at 130 in the morning. The yellow heart balloon also helped raise my spirits to another level, seeing the hardcore gang again just made my day. The first time in the week I left my dejected self but somehow or other (hence or otherwise) I slipped back into the lows unknowingly. This time, it is worst that even Tuesday. On Tuesday, I couldn't even explain why I felt low, just couldn't do anything right. At least I could still chat and 'lol' online, meaning everything was alright. But yesterday totally sucks. Usually conversations I have would be full of lols, emoticons and crap, but I didn't even say I single ‘lol’ the whole night. What state am I in? Is this a state of denial? I’m running away from my problems, my fears. This is the very opposite of what I advocate. Besides, I'm sick and tired of "what ifs" it’s always what if this and what if that. It all forms a bigger picture, all my fears and problems. I'm afraid of the unknown, the unpredictability of life and the outcome of it all. What comes, we don't know. In fact, I don't want to know, I don't dare to know even when my heart yearns for it. Maybe maths will be the answer to my life, calculate the unpredictability of life, what will come, what wouldn't. If we could just put it under one big equation – the equation of life. The unknown would be revealed, the outcome will be made known to everyone. We can brace ourselves for whatever’s coming for us, instead of not knowing when it'll come. The equation will never work, one, its just some crazy idea of mine, secondly, if the band guys ever lay their hands on it, the outcome would be disastrous. And I would have to make that choice, to erase the equation, my life's work or to give it to the bad guys which I never will. Yet after all this, I have yet to make up my mind. The risk, I don’t dare to take. The opportunity, I will miss and regret. The regret, Will live with me forever. This life, Will never be the same, Never again. This could be a new chapter in my life, like the title of my blog: An ending, a brand new beginning. Everything’s changing, I’m changing too. The only constant in this every-changing world is change. We only have one life, so we have to live it to the fullest. Yet I’m still not satisfied, and this feeling sucks. I’m left dangling in mid air, there’s nothing below me and nothing if I go up. Living in pitch darkness; seeing nothing; feeling nothing. Its just one great big emptiness, not even light exists here. It mustn’t exist or the painful reality of it all will be brought to light. Is there really someone out there for me? Or is this just some guy trying to console and delude himself by saying so? So many questions, yet so little answers. Even if there is, is it the right answer? Nothing is right or wrong in life. Killing may be the right way for gangsters to resolve conflicts, but to us that’s totally wrong. My most depressing post to date. Sorry for my lousy mood, I’m still trying to choose the best or least painful path. I have to thank Ying Hui for being so concerned about my low-ness and von, for listening to all the crap I had to crap about. And to Sweez, good for you! And remember to cherish your ‘friend’. Please don't be affected by my lousy and crappy mood.
posted by crispy at
7:08:00 am
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Article 30 : Stupid PW
Sunday, April 17, 2005
haiz....
So much homework to do, so little time to do it. Then again, time spent was worth it even though in the wrong way. Didn't do much at all in shuting's house, mostly other people's work and rchn proposal. We wasted alot of time in junction 8, mostly my fault of course. Lesson learnt, don't let cheeky and i get into any shop with naruto in it. Eventually we did make it to shuting's house, and i immediately got turned off by maths homework. Chee Kiang had loads of homework, so i helped to do a little maths for him. Then we got chee kiang to do the religion test and luckyily he didn't get islam or he'll just end his life immediatly. I tried but didn't manage to do much for the rchn proposal. And at the 20th floor, the rain looks really neat, i mean impressive. Like an impenatratable blanket advancing head on. We could only see a short distance and the rest was blur. Chee Kiang had to leave early to treat his friend to the movies. He headed for the door, tried to open it before he realized he need a key. When he finally got it, fumbling for the right key and even tried to use the letter box key to open the lock. Still couldn't open and we were very bad, got everyone to the door and kept repeating the 'unlocking' action. Chee Kiang was standing there, one big -_-" on his face. We even took photos of it. Time passed really quickly, really because we started really late. At 7 plus, we were still mugging, or trying hard to. Joshua was complaining all the way, ying hui, trying hard to persuade us to go pastamania, Eunice waiting for me to finish her maths problem, vinny and sweez not doing much, still at question 2(b) and shuting doing work(i think) and i was busying trying to finish eunice's math problem. Not too easy with everyone pressurizing me to finish as soon as possible and eunice refusing to go until it was finished. Joshua nearly ate my treasured poster after which turned my wallet inside out. We all rushed out for the lift and halfway up the stairs, vinny shorted out something like " crispy, your poster" and i did 180 degrees turn and ran back to shuting's house. What a way to treat my 'treasure'. On our way down, i was playing the harmonica and suddenly all the dogs in the block started barking. Feel so honoured, even dogs like my music or maybe they are just trying to ask me to shut the .... up. When we reached pastamania, joshua totally overwhelmed us with his lameness. Because it was his first time there so i asked him what type of rice he wanted. He didn't even realize the trick and asked for the biggest ones. Then he saw our faces and ya... We emptied all the cheese into one container and asked the waiteress to refill the empty one, so we had like two bottles full of cheese. When our pasta came, we emptied at least half of the cheese so much so that everything tasted cheesy. Somehow, ying hui felt that joshua's baked tasted like sugarcane and joshua felt hers tasted like pineapple. Joshua's lameness... I have nothing to say. Next, we headed to Mac to have the 25c cone. And as usual josh did something lame, trying to take a photo of the over turned cone on his head... haiz...give me a break...just too lame.. You are a Everything pretty accurate except the part where i'm supposed to be smiling. Anyway, I'm supposed to be doing my PI now. What a bore, especially with cliffven's repeated attempts to try to make his topic with regards to abolishing the whole idea of project work. I don't mind doing that though when the people over at moe will flip when they see my proposal. I have this feeling that this is going to be one of my longest post so far, partially because blogging gives me more time to slack and also because i'm trying to blog and understand what yvonne and yue xin are saying at the same time. OOooo....AXN's showing spiderman again... You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ![]() In your eyes, people see shards of ice everywhere... You are cold and distant, pushing away people that love you and truely care for you! You want to be able to reach out and love them but... You can't for some reason... You're just too.... You :P Underneath that cold exterior lies a warm, happy soul that wants to let loose and have fun! Your sanctuary would probably be anywhere up high where you can look down on life below you, like the roof of an apartment building... Your eyes resemble a saddened, crestfallen person seeking out attention, but doesn't know how to handle it. However, you do find comfort from your friends, they're always there for you, and they know the REAL you :) Even though you do seem rather cold, you can be very protective over something you truely believe in or love. Let go of that "tough" rep and just be you! It's impossible to live life without some fun and love ^-^ What Lies Behind Your Eyes? ![]() You have a rather calm soul, but when tempted will get pissed off at those who bug you. You do whatever you can in your powers to help those of your allies and have a okay taste for human kind, but you find them rather annoying on occasions. Gem Stone: Saphire, Eye Color:Ice Blue,Hair Color:Dark Blue that's long that goes to your waist. Quote:If you wait for meThen I'll come for you. Although I've travelled far, I always hold a place for youIn my heart. If you think of me, If you miss me once in a while, Then I'll return to you. I'll return and fill that space in your heart What Is Your True Hidden Power? .::Beautiful Anime Pics::. ![]() You are the Spirit of Innocence. Always with the sweet smile of a child, you know how to have good clean fun, you have a natural vunerability about you, which makes you able to make friends very well, as they are drawn instinctively by the urge to protect you. But even though you look as fragile as a child inside you are very strong with your easy look on life. When you get a partner (because there is no way you cant!) your life will be perfect. Which stunning spirit of emotion are you? NEW AND IMPROVED! (amazingly beautiful anime pics!) *(Picture censored, too freaky..)* You hide behind The Shadow Mask, you don't like to be in the spot light, you like to hide from everybody and just be alone, you think you put yourself in this position with your own will but the truth is that people made you go there, you don't trust people any more though inside you there is a voice screaming to go out and see the light, you look for some one who understands the real you, some one loves you unconditionally, if you were looking for some one to talk to, i'm all ears. What kind of masks you hide behind? (i added pix)
posted by crispy at
3:55:00 pm
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Article 29
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Your element is Fire. Like fire, you have a hot temper and you can be warm and loving as well and angry and wild. It all really comes down to what you are feeling. You have a lot of close friends who you are very protective over, and with your temper probably some enemies too. You are not Miss Popular in school since you are your own person and don't want to be forced into behaving this or that way. You are the untamed wild horse, the kind that everyone wants to catch. But you don't want to be tied down for the moment and just keep going with your little crushes. Your will is strong and if you set your mind to do something, you will most likely succeed. But beware, your friends may not always accept your mood-swinging behaviour. Even if you don't mean to be mean, they can still feel hurt. You just need to start thinking some things through before you do them, and not always jump in with so much courage. One day you may be hurt because of that, but then again, your element isn't fire if you start to analyse situations before you act. After all, your nature is to shoot first and ask the questions later. Rate and message! What is your element? [with pics + 7 outcomes + detailed answeres!] brought to you by Quizilla ![]() you're a gaurdian angel. you fight and protect the people you love and value. what kind of angel are you? brought to you by Quizilla
posted by crispy at
10:07:00 pm
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Article 28 : Results
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Why are my results like 100% stabbed to death and similarly 100% for agosticism?? so WEIRD....
posted by crispy at
10:24:00 pm
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Article 27 : Life
I was playing the piano when i came to a piece i've been practising recently. At first, i didn't really like the song, mostly chromatic scales, pretty meaningless, even my teacher discouraged me from taking it up. I still did, it was meant for someone who has ceased to 'exist'. I've realized that it's quite a nice song after all, and it brings back fond memories of the past and what will never be.
Should have reached England by now, since my brother left yesterday night. Its good that i can hog the com all night long but how long would i have to wait or how hard most i try before i can be like him, going on a hoilday with his girlfriend. While i'm here at home, blogging and in the process of recovering. Since getting attached, i've noticed that my brother has skipped almost all the late night matches or his favourite football club, even the exciting matches which he would certainly have stayed up to watch inthe past. He has changed quite a bit too, though his room is still very messy. Now he even has the 19.90 piggy from action city on his bed. I'll have to work hard too, lots of catching up to do. Met up with valerie and cheeky yester day too, and because we pitstopped for too long, couldn't even go send my brother off. We ended up joining valerie and chee kiang in secret receipe where i had my second brownie, another serving of that heavenly taste. Valerie hasn't changed much or maybe chee kiang changed too much. Throughout, cheeky was pouring out the horrors of his new class, the fake raffles 'guy' who touched another guy's thigh and commented about his nice feet. Also the girl with three necks, who sang not too well, or maybe it's because of her appearance. Thankfully nanyang's still quite normal though much slacker that other colleges. And the thing that was moving on the cake, thanks swee for telling us that they wouldn't use the display. At least we had the cake in peace and only found out they still used those in the display after all. Swee Wei didn't help much by saying that there could be maggots in the brownie since it was so rich and nutritious. In the end we ended up taking neoprints again. Finally got a spot in the photo but it looked really weird as the picture looked darker. On closer inspection, i realized that it was because of all the brown uniforms. After so many neoprints, we still cannot get into position fast enough, with at least one or two photos of us in disarray. With Valerie around, we're bound to have a peoprint taken. The rain was very encouraging at the start, looking forward to my cosy little bed and sweet dreams. But later on, i realized i didn't bring umbrella again. Maybe i'm just huo kai, because i refure to listen to my mum. So i had to rush home through the rain and it felt really good since i haven't ran through the rain for quite a while. I remembered my Geog teacher in secondary 2. Really nice person who didn't scold you for not doing work, but instead he'll just ask you to make sure you copied the solution. He took the same bus home and we often had a good chat on the way home. It was raining quite heavily on one ocassion, and somehow we came to the topic of running in the rain. And he was saying that it is healthy to run in the rain once in a while. I didn't really buy his theory, acid rain is supposed to be harmful. Somehow, after running in the rain yesterday, i became really 'high', so much so that i couldn't sleep at all till about 1 plus. Chee Kiang didn’t come today, and I had to drag his gundam collection to school. Why? Just because he left his phone at home. Looks like I have lots of catching up to do when I finally lay my hands my chemistry notes again. Anyway, things are starting to settle down and will be much more manageable with time. Till then, I still have maths homework to complete.
posted by crispy at
9:15:00 pm
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Article 26 : Last Econs Lecture
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Crashed economics lecture again today. First thing everyone did was to copy down the essay question for homework. Looking across the whole LT, everyone’s head was down and busy copying down the question. Had to do such dreadful homework and even had to copy the question yourself. I happened to be reading trigonometry lecture notes when Mr Soh came around. Just when I thought he’ll call me out, he looked at my paper and didn’t even realize it wasn’t economics. Thankfully, the last economics lecture I’d ever attend drew to an end.
Next lecture, Physics, wasn’t any better. The first thing he did was far worse than for previously. He made everyone stand up just to greet him. Only half the attendance bothered to stand up and we got scolded as usual. At least it isn’t as bad as the being scolded by the chemistry lecturer. Having missed out on almost all the lectures, I felt rather lost during the lecture. The lecturer didn’t help much either, going faster than the bullet train. I agree that he sucks at explaining stuff. Luckily, he stopped halfway but so as to lecture us on how difficult physics is and that we should really drop it. Okay, we’ve heard it all, f maths, chemistry and even economics, lecturers telling us to drop the subject. Chemistry was the most drastic; she demanded that 23 students dropped as the number of students exceeded the seating capacity by 23. Went for guitar club with Qi Hao next. All we did was take attendance and we were off, or should I say the both of us were off. Mugging is definitely much better than playing icebreakers. The lot of us gathered at the gallery to mug while waiting for the VIP to arrive. Half the time the VIP was unreachable and made us rather worried about him getting lost. Meanwhile, it was time to change shift. We headed to the canteen and had prison set meal B because we all ended up eating spaghetti. Earlier in the day, most of us had wanton mee for lunch. And it looked rather weird seeing a whole roll of people eating the same meal so that became prison set meal A. ‘Soon’ enough, Chee Kiang made it to school. He really stood out on the track with his all black outfit and the way he walked. OOooo, finally get to see him after what seemed like ages. Can tell that appearance wise, he didn’t change much. But he is still somewhat different from the last time we saw him. We got him to try on the ny uniform but soon realized that the sizes were all wrong! Tight pants and shirt that’s bigger than a jacket. With the oversized shirt all buttoned up, Chee Kiang looked very much like a prison inmate, in fact the leader of the gang. We pit stopped at the gallery for a very long time. Quite a bad spot to choose as the pugilistic society was having their training and the noise was deafening. It’s good to see that Chee Kiang is settling down in his new school and we’d still be able to see him on every Wednesdays. Besides, he has to miss us because his treasured Gundam Seed Collection is still with me. Its true that I’ve changed since we were last together. The most obvious is the lamrious I got from Eunice, pulling Yvonne’s hair and talking much more since the first day I stepped into o5a1. To Cheeky, just be yourself. The rain poured mercilessly on my way home. I didn’t bring umbrella as usual, refusing to listen to mom’s advice. But she was so nice to call me to check if I had umbrella with me which she knew for sure I had none. I’ve only brought umbrellas for people and haven’t had the experience getting one. Unfortunately, the rain stopped when i got to my stop. Can’t stop myself thinking of dramas where girls always got stuck in school and the guys come to their rescue, then they’ll hold each other’s hands and blah blah blah….
posted by crispy at
10:35:00 pm
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Article 25
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Crashed Economics lecture again, maybe because eunice so nice to crash f maths lecture. Stomach was complaining all the way from f maths through econs lecture. Found out something intersting about our math lecturer - he looks like an uncle. The method he taught was really redundant but as usual, it's just the basics which would help to lay our foundations for more advanced questions. So von, please don't say that its stupid, it may seem so now, wait till later...Halfway through our second f maths lecture, yvonne suddenly thought of maggie and the rest just because of her camera and how they used to take photos of ms tian. So she suggested going to yjc to pay them a visit having not met them for sometime. So we managed to convince quite a number to go, even david came along to see chee kiang.
YJC is pretty HT(high tech), having a system where they keep track of students by getting them to scan their card when entering and leaving school. Somehow, we managed to acquire the help of the guard search through the records and to our horror, chee kiang's name couldn't be found. Unfortunately, Valerie had makeup lessons right when we were there, so we ended up only seeing maggie. Next we headed together to northpoint for a meal at LJ. When i came back from the washroom, there was these bunch of people totally in brown queueing up and the first thing i thought of was so brown. Then told vinny to refrain from looking down, because its just more brown. David asked frannie how to pronounce the word 'fury' and frannie thought it was 'fur-ry' and putting it all together it became house of fur-ry, labit's family. Bidding mag farewell, we made our way back to school for red cross and swee and vin also decided to join. In the end, we had like 6 people from o5a1 in red cross and thats like one quarter of the people there. We had to split in to three groups taking charge of logistics, publicity and training. Don't know how it came about but we ended up combining publicity and logistics and we became the bao ge liao group. Putting the serious work aside, we proceeded for some games and really to the disadvantage of ying hui as she was really afraid of bursting balloons. First thing she did was to get rid of the balloon. Luckily there was at least one game which didn't involve bursting balloons and it was similar to the kings, knights and hobbits game in orientation. I didn't need anyone to grab my tail, it dropped out straight away and yvonne immediately koped it-_-'. Next we headed for the hall before going to the piano on the fourth floor. Played really badly today, and changed quite a large portion of the songs. We also decided to join the song writing competition, this saturday will be the day we rock the world, ok maybe not but at least the block shuting lives in. Hopefully we can come up with something really nice and achieve something together as a class, as o5sa1. Oh, and before i forget, chee kiang's finally coming back to nanyang, really looking forward to tomorrow. I better remember to bring chee kiang's uniform along. Till then, remember zhang lao shi's parting words.
posted by crispy at
10:40:00 pm
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thesimpleguy
Vanity isn't a sin, a little narcissm wouldn't hurt.not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down. I'd rather be hated for who i am than to be loved for who i am not The only people you need in your life are the ones that proved they needed you in theirs. For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind. Silence is the true friend that never betrays. |
misledbyeveryone else
C cheekiang cheryn D dexter david E eunice F freddy G guanyou george J jiahong joshua junrong K kenny kahhoe L luke M magdalene P peiyu S swee wei shuting shannen V vinny W wennie Y yvonne yinghui Z zhenyu backtoyesterday
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takeabow
designer: venomous inspiration: ++ |
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