The simple rules of a complex World.
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Article 31 : .Matters of the heart were never my strength.
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Should I go for it?
What if I don't and miss this chance? If my brain is the only thing that controls my actions, i would have gone for it, no doubt at all. It knows what it means by not knowing if you don't try. But on the other hand, my heart tells me not to make the same mistake ever again. It also knows that the higher I go, the harder i will fall. This is so confusing, frustrating and unpredictable. Everything was fine in school; it had been a great day. Lessons were very smooth-sailing and it’s the last day of the week after all. I thought starting chemistry practical earlier would mean earlier dismissal, but still dragged all the way to 1710. My chemistry tutor may be strict when it comes to work, but he is a very nice person too. And I made the mark in one attempt, something to be proud of in class, as most of the people would take quite a number of corrections before doing so. In fact, all our tutors have been very nice this week, other than Mr Pun. At the end of the day, I felt very energetic, despite sleeping at 130 in the morning. The yellow heart balloon also helped raise my spirits to another level, seeing the hardcore gang again just made my day. The first time in the week I left my dejected self but somehow or other (hence or otherwise) I slipped back into the lows unknowingly. This time, it is worst that even Tuesday. On Tuesday, I couldn't even explain why I felt low, just couldn't do anything right. At least I could still chat and 'lol' online, meaning everything was alright. But yesterday totally sucks. Usually conversations I have would be full of lols, emoticons and crap, but I didn't even say I single ‘lol’ the whole night. What state am I in? Is this a state of denial? I’m running away from my problems, my fears. This is the very opposite of what I advocate. Besides, I'm sick and tired of "what ifs" it’s always what if this and what if that. It all forms a bigger picture, all my fears and problems. I'm afraid of the unknown, the unpredictability of life and the outcome of it all. What comes, we don't know. In fact, I don't want to know, I don't dare to know even when my heart yearns for it. Maybe maths will be the answer to my life, calculate the unpredictability of life, what will come, what wouldn't. If we could just put it under one big equation – the equation of life. The unknown would be revealed, the outcome will be made known to everyone. We can brace ourselves for whatever’s coming for us, instead of not knowing when it'll come. The equation will never work, one, its just some crazy idea of mine, secondly, if the band guys ever lay their hands on it, the outcome would be disastrous. And I would have to make that choice, to erase the equation, my life's work or to give it to the bad guys which I never will. Yet after all this, I have yet to make up my mind. The risk, I don’t dare to take. The opportunity, I will miss and regret. The regret, Will live with me forever. This life, Will never be the same, Never again. This could be a new chapter in my life, like the title of my blog: An ending, a brand new beginning. Everything’s changing, I’m changing too. The only constant in this every-changing world is change. We only have one life, so we have to live it to the fullest. Yet I’m still not satisfied, and this feeling sucks. I’m left dangling in mid air, there’s nothing below me and nothing if I go up. Living in pitch darkness; seeing nothing; feeling nothing. Its just one great big emptiness, not even light exists here. It mustn’t exist or the painful reality of it all will be brought to light. Is there really someone out there for me? Or is this just some guy trying to console and delude himself by saying so? So many questions, yet so little answers. Even if there is, is it the right answer? Nothing is right or wrong in life. Killing may be the right way for gangsters to resolve conflicts, but to us that’s totally wrong. My most depressing post to date. Sorry for my lousy mood, I’m still trying to choose the best or least painful path. I have to thank Ying Hui for being so concerned about my low-ness and von, for listening to all the crap I had to crap about. And to Sweez, good for you! And remember to cherish your ‘friend’. Please don't be affected by my lousy and crappy mood.
posted by crispy at
7:08:00 am
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thesimpleguy
Vanity isn't a sin, a little narcissm wouldn't hurt.not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down. I'd rather be hated for who i am than to be loved for who i am not The only people you need in your life are the ones that proved they needed you in theirs. For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind. Silence is the true friend that never betrays. |
misledbyeveryone else
C cheekiang cheryn D dexter david E eunice F freddy G guanyou george J jiahong joshua junrong K kenny kahhoe L luke M magdalene P peiyu S swee wei shuting shannen V vinny W wennie Y yvonne yinghui Z zhenyu backtoyesterday
+ Article 30 : Stupid PW + Article 29 + Article 28 : Results + Article 27 : Life + Article 26 : Last Econs Lecture + Article 25 + Article 24 + Article 23 : It's nice to have someone to count on. + Article 22 : Orientation Day 2 + Article 21 : Xing Fu De Gan Jue wheni'mgone
takeabow
designer: venomous inspiration: ++ |
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